Computer jousting and other IT issues

Excerpts from a revised IT priority list, which you are requested to consult before contacting your IT department:

Level 5 (Even lower priority)

In response to a dare, the user has put the computer on a skateboard and pushed it down a hallway. The elevator opened and the computer accidentally rolled into it. The user does not know what floor the computer got off on and it is preventing the user from continuing to work.

Level 6 (Much lower priority)

The user was competing in computer jousting, an activity in which two users are pushed toward one another in office chairs and throw computers at each other. The user was hit in the head by an opponent’s computer and was “unchaired.” However, the user has no computer problem to report.

Level 7 (Very low priority)

The user needs a computer problem to be resolved, and it is preventing the user from continuing to work. However, the user is in the habit of setting up ambushes in which members of the I.T. department are attacked by the user for no reason.

Level 8 (Very, very low priority)

The user has covered the computer with bumper stickers that say, “No Fat Chicks.” However, the user has now reversed his or her position on fat chicks and wants the computer replaced.

Level 9 (Extremely low priority)

The user is convinced that his or her computer has a peanut allergy.

Level 10 (Very extremely low priority)

The user has somehow come into the possession of a cursed Aztec coin that caused the user to switch spirits with the computer, but it is not preventing the user from continuing to work.

Level 11 (Dangerously low priority)

The user is requesting a keyboard with a steering wheel on it.

Level 12 (Very dangerously low priority)

The user needs a computer problem to be resolved, and it is preventing the user from continuing to work. However, the user is weird about accepting favors.

Level 13 (Not a priority)

The user thinks it’s funny to whip his or her surge protector up at the lights and just wants someone from the I.T. department to come watch.

- Seth Fried, New Yorker, 2 May 2012