The Irish police force

It's only when you've been and experienced American cops that you're so glad to be either Irish or British, where our Old Bill don't get a gun routinely. Does everybody know about the Irish police force, An Garda Síochána? They're a quality police force, and they're the friend of the comedian. When I was sixteen, I got arrested for teenage drinking in a park when I asked the cop, 'Have you got a gun?' And, I quote, he said: 'Why would I need a gun when I can take off me shoe and beat you wit' it?'

Less guns, more shoes! That's why Ireland has no history of tragic school shoeings.

- Andrew Maxwell, The News Quiz, BBC Radio 4, 28 November 2014